Airport

So you're standing at a conveyor belt, obviously downtrodden and as tired as fuck. Never mind the bags on the belt, you're worried about the bags under your eyes. You're highly- I mean extremely- irritable, and the next five year old who elbows you in the stomach to get to his father's monogrammed suitcase is getting bitch slapped. Hard. Mother of all bitch slaps hard.

"I know I should have checked in late. Why the hell would I go to the airport two hours before my flight is even boarding? To get hammered. Shit, the beer ain't all that good here anyway."

Then it happens. You finally see it. Your bag, the bane of your existence a second ago- appears. It is the fucking raison d'etre for your happiness. Megan Fox doesn't look as good as your bag does right now. Finally, you get to leave the airport.

You open up your bag, and it hits you.

Piece of shit wasn't even yours.

An American Rite Of Passage

Ibra!

I want the La Liga season to start. Now.

Damn am I geeked to watch Barcelona in action next year! (Fingers crossed, as this may include a live performance of the classico at the Camp Nou!) I wrote about this earlier, and was surprised as ever that its happening, but Zlatan Ibrahimovic is a player for the Blaugrana. I know all the fuss was about Real Madrid getting Cristiano and Kaka, but the acquisition of Zlatan, in my humble opinion, swings the odds back to Barcelona to repeat as champs. Sure, losing Samuel Eto'o hurts, but the addition of Ibracadabra makes FCB much more dangerous. Ibra was the top scorer in Serie A, and he had to do it all at his former club, Italian champs Inter. Now he is a part of a collective group of players who will definitely take the pressure off him and allow him to become EXTREMELY dangerous. Zlatan will, as the player himself said, "run amok" in a Barcelona jersey. There was no one at Inter with the skills of Messi, Iniesta, or Henry. And the thought of Xavi lobbing balls to Zlatan should probably be enough to see him try to break Ronaldo's record of goals in a single Liga season. The record is 43, and I think Ibra could be very close to breaking it.

I might be wrong and Zlatan might be an egotistical headcase, but I think the dude just wants to win the Champions League. He'll definitely have a chance to do so now.

Advertising

Today I woke up in a Nike type of mood so I decided to wear my Brand Jordan t-shirt with Mars Blackmon on the front. For those of you who aren't into advertising, Mars Blackmon is the alter ego of director Spike Lee and a star of many of Nike's first ads for the Jordan line of footwear. He's also the reason I got into advertising.

I want to write advertisements for Nike, and that means, on the off chance that he's reading this, I want to work for YOU, Dan Wieden.

The spots aren't so great now, but to a kid who idolized Michael Jordan, they were the shit bomb diggity. I loved those ads, and I watch them to this day.

I know that's a pretty lame excuse to want to get into advertising, but the other reason, the deep underlying reason, is far more sinister. The other reason I got into advertising is to kill Jared Fogle.

Jared Forgle's death won't be quick either. It will be a slow orgy of the Subway sandwiches he loves so much. I will stuff them all down his throat, in succession. Six grams of fat is a lot when its multiplied by a million. Oh yes, Jared Fogle will die in the same shape he was before he was ever introduced to the Subway sandwich. Jared Fogle will die a fat miserable pig death. It'll be like that scene in Se7en.

After all that, I will not rest. Oh no.

I will stuff a cellphone into the Verizon guy's ears and ask, "Can you hear me now?"

Bitch.

Theology Shmeology

Many times we hear that religion and politics go hand in hand, to many, they actually complement each other. The latter is there to ensure the proper implementation of the former or so is the belief!

Why are you restating yourself? Is i tbecause your editor asked for 1000 words and you only had 750? Or is it because you in fact don't believe what you write?

What many fail to recognize is that, as in any field or profession, if one is not educated properly in the field, then perhaps s/he should not be entrusted to work.

That is a valid point. But tell me good sir, how are you qualified to write? You are not educated properly in the field. Or is it a case of do as I say, not as I do? I think you should heed your own advice and quit this writing thing.

I will give you a clear example; if one is not properly educated in the science of medicine and if one is not adequately qualified to become a surgeon.

What is the point of this fragment, sir? These two are not mutually exclusive. They, if you will, complement each other. If you are not educated in the science of medicine then you are not adequately qualified to practice it. But wait, surely there are those who are not educated in medicine that practice it well? Shamans? Herbal doctors? Yes, those people exist.

If you know that such is the case and that your life depends on the skills of a given doctor to cure an illness that requires surgery, would you opt to be operated by a qualified surgeon or by a surgeon that is well- read on every major operation yet has practiced none?!

That has nothing to do with education. That is a question of experience. Of course you want the doctor with experience. That doesn't mean that the rookie is not qualified to do the procedure. He might be. But your experience tells you to go with the experienced doctor, even though the rookie might be better. Education plays no part in the argument.

Clearly, the idea of having a priest King is ideal for it would combine the two distinct worlds together, like a Khalifa that would rule based on theology. Nevertheless, we have experienced time and again through history that theological regimes or regimes that claim to gain their legitimacy from the Almighty are bound to fail at one point or another.

Those that claim to gain their legitimacy from the Almighty are bound to fail because their claims are heresy.

In our contemporary world, amid our direct neighbor we have clear examples of theology and the negative impact such rules have on the daily lives of their citizens.

I don't think the problem lies in the theology in as much as the people of the neighboring country don't want to be governed by it. Even if it is a good theology, if the people of the country reject it, there are bound to be problems.

What comes worse than theological rule, is a dictatorial theology whereby one is not even allowed to challenge through religion the various edicts passed by the ruling 'mullahs' who have taken the job of being God's vice-regents on earth as if the kingdom of heaven passes first through their approval and then to God!

There's a word for those vice-regents. They're called heretics.

What I find ludicrous is the fact that even though we are all given a test in this life for those that believe, and that the test is not an open book test nor is it a group project whereby people pass if they ally themselves with more versed individuals. We are clearly told that a day will come when we will all be held accountable for our own actions and that on such a day no one will be of use to us, not even our parents!

Yes, but the rulers of such nations, the leaders of men, will be asked what they have done to curb heretical actions and injustices and attacks on the religion. This is why theocracies still exist. However, the problem lies in the people who hold the power in these theocracies, and not the idea of theocracy itself. You seem to miss the point here. It is not the religion that you should be attacking, but the people implementing it. We've gone through this before, good sir.

With such clear warnings, I find it absurd for the least that people are not willing to seek the truth for themselves. I find it bizarre that people are scared to seek within the various revelations, the truth that will set their conscious free rather than merely rely on unreliable people that seek power at any cost. We are all prisoners of conscience due to our inability to challenge theology for fear of damnation, as if the 'mullahs' have such power.

The fear is not one of damnation. The fear is, as it always has been, that of the bullet. People die when they oppose the mullahs. Are you not watching the news? You know you can't report on the news if you're not watching.

It is saddening that those that are unable to convincingly argue their points resort to fear, for they know that their answers will come short of convincing the masses if they don't confuse in their speeches. The ultimate tool to control masses; the promise of an unknown that these so to speak of 'mullahs' have access to. More importantly this is how they derive their ultimate power.

Read: Bullets and guns.

May we all be guided to the path of truth and righteousness and that we may live together in peace regardless of our beliefs. The judge on that matter will make a manifestation on his decision at a later time. In the meantime, righteous actions are what people should strive to accomplish.

Amen.

My good sir, your righteous action should be writing more gems like this conclusion. It almost makes me want to rescind my critique of your article.

On second thought, naaaaaaah.

Fuck! Ass!

An umpire with Tourette's... Wow.

Guillermo

Fuck. (There's nothing better than to start off a rant with this word. It sums it all up perfectly. It says, "World, I am pissed off. I am seriously steamed and I need to get some shit off my chest." Now, why is that so? Is it because of the way the word sounds, which incidentally is a release of some sort? The eff at the beginning, the U which seemingly is the rage bottled up, then the CK sound which sounds like a fucking release? Shit, the word perfectly describes the act of fornication doesn't it? Wheeew. End of long tangent.)

What do I do? What the fuck do I do? This chick is lying dormant on my bedroom floor, she's dead I just know it, she's fucking dead. Oh God, oh God. I shouldn't have given her that pill, man. She was way too plastered to handle E, dude. Way too fucking plastered. And, wasn't there remnants of coke on her nose? Shit, the bitch has coke? Where the fuck is the coke?

Whew. There that's all better. Now I can think clearly. Relax, man. Just fucking relax. She's a nobody. Look through her purse. See what the hell is in there, maybe she has some cash, or shit, maybe some more coke.

FUCK... This bitch is loaded and connected. Oh fuck fuck, she's Guillermo's cousin. And the bastard is calling her. Wasn't he supposed to be here with my fucking coke an hour ago? Shit shit shit. I gotta call him, he can't come here now. He'll shoot me. I already owe him money.

Holy shit, that's a lot of cash. A lot of cash. Oh fuck she works with Guillermo, too. I know I've seen her before- at his place? At the club? Where the FUCK have I seen her before? Who the hell is at my door?

Guillermo. What the fuck is it, man? What do you want now? Didn't you get my text? (I never actually got around to sending him that, but fuck man, he doesn't know that.) My coke? Hold on, hold on.

Oh.

Fuck.